SHARING EVERYTHING, REVEALING NOTHING

See who I am, where I live, what I like on Facebook,

My status updates often but not as much as my profile look.

See where I go on FourSquare and who with when I get tagged,

I don’t want to be stalked, so there may be a time-lag

Or check out my Instagram posts to see my favourite food,

The things I like to photograph more than I eat, just eating is plain rude!

YouTube likes could tell you my taste in videos or my friend’s must-view shares,

But only when I log on or forget to log out: does it truly matter, really who cares!

See who I follow on Twitter, the people I like and the ones I love to hate,

The difference is not so obvious since I like to lurk, not actually engage.

I may tweet a random thought that I think makes me sound profound,

Then agonize on how to hashtag it, so I can be ‘found’.

See my latest wish list on Pinterest, the dreams I will admit,

Or read through my blog for the writing I can submit

Track my career on LinkedIn and you’ll know I’ve done well

Or get suspicious if it’s too much of a hard sell.

Big data can crunch all of this into a well-defined profile

Show it to me and I am sure to nod and smile:

Is it real, is it wishful or is it just me misunderstood?

If I really knew myself, I’d help you out, I promise I would!

MINDSETS & MANIPULATIONS

I have a black dot still marking the tip of my nail on my left index finger. It marks the day when I insisted on taking leave from a heavy work week to travel to Mumbai and cast my vote against Modi. My vote was not especially in favour of another candidate, for like the rest of the country I too have lost faith in the Congress and can’t bring myself to trust the unpredictable AAP. There was only one thing I trusted and that was my gut instinct that voting for a religious right autocrat to steer a secular country feels like asking for trouble.

Yet, the mood of almost everyone else was clearly opposite. I heard countless arguments against my weak idealism and while no one was able to defend or completely excuse what happened in Gujarat under Modi’s leadership, I heard a lot of practical rationalizations – from ‘what choice do we have’ to ‘we need a strong leader’. Never mind the possibility that this strength may not be used where we want it or even that it may well be used against us.

As democracy trumped my individual opinion with a stronger referendum than expected – I felt a fervent wish to be proved wrong. If early indicators continue the trend, it looks as if this wish too will be unfulfilled:

• No check on communal attacks: Modi has maintained silence on incidents such as the lynching of a Muslim youth in Pune and Shiv Sena’s Vichare force-feeding a Muslim cook during Ramzan. While he is quiet, miscellaneous BJP loud speakers are vociferously attempting to defend the indefensible. 
• Fanning communal flames in UP: A much ado about a single temple bell may be enough to trigger riots afresh. BJP conveniently does not claim responsibility for governance in UP but this irresponsible behavior will have repercussions across the country. 
• Government apathy on continuing incidents of rape: No concrete steps have been taken to improve women’s safety as yet, despite fresh horrors being reported every day. Police apathy and even interference continue in both filing reports and taking action. 
• Provocative, ill-informed actions & comments: BJP and BJP supporters are crawling out to stir controversy on everything from Hafeez Sayeed to teaching VHP propaganda in Government schools to insulting women and minorities. 

Manmohan Singh’s silence was interpreted as a sign of weakness and inability to act. Modi’s silence seems more dangerous. It’s not a stretch to think that he not only intends to allow such divisiveness but also that he tacitly endorses it. 

It’s heartening that the media is loud in condemning and calling out the government. But in the midst of this distraction, I’d like to ask all those who supported Modi, if they have got what they wanted. My idealism was perhaps never going to be realized but what of their more practical and realistic expectations? Is communalism going to create a good environment for businesses and the economy to prosper? Is misogyny and the fear for women’s safety going to bring down the sky-rocketing vegetable prices? Is further divisiveness within the country going to improve our external security?

Every time I catch a glimpse of the fading black dot on my finger, I remember Nikos Kazantzakis’ eloquence in Zorba the Greek, “As for me, I often forget, I disparage myself, I lose my way, my faith is a mosaic of unbelief. Sometimes I feel I should like to make a bargain: to live one brief minute and give my life in exchange. But you keep a firm hold on the helm and you never forget, even in the sweetest moments of this life, towards which destination you have set your course.” 

We have handed Modi & the BJP the helm of our future but will we like the destination they have set course for? Will we find that we have put too much at stake on a gamble, sacrificing both conscience and country for a glimmer of gold that may well turn out to be an illusion? 

Mr. Modi, I’m still hoping that you will prove me wrong.

BANGALORED IN BANGALORE

I thought Bombay was making me impatient and angry. I loved my job, I loved watching TV at home and I loved meeting my friends in great restaurants. But in between those places, everything sucked. The potholes and traffic, the crowds and the noise, the anger and frustration radiating from everyone.

So I guess, when everyone warned me about Bangalore, I couldn't really take it seriously. I knew the potholes and traffic, the crowds and noise would be the same or worse but I really believed that a break from the driven people in Bombay would be very welcome. Warnings like "people are slow and inefficient compared to Bombay" were brushed off by my over-enthusiasm, "great, I need to learn to take things slow and be more patient." This was the strain of conversations so you can see that I probably earned the wake-up shock I'm now enduring!

Here are some typical interactions in Bangalore to illustrate my experiences:

* Me to the employee at Subway: Can you speed up my sandwich, I'm in a hurry.

Employee: Ok (while he abandons my sandwich to take other orders)

* Cashier at Shoppers Stop: You want to upgrade your gold loyalty card to platinum? You'll get additional benefits.

My friend: What are the additional benefits?

Cashier: Uh...uh... (this goes on for about 5-10 minutes before he admits that he does not know)

* On Residency Road during rush hour, I have been stuck behind an Innova for a long time while the lanes next to me crawl ahead. When I finally manage to maneuver my way out and creep forward, I see the driver has switched off the car and is eating peanuts bought from a cart on the road. 

* On collection of a car from Renault (after 3 months of waiting and pressure posting on their Facebook page), I ask the salesman: Do I need covers for the seats?

Salesman: Yes. It will cost about 30-40,000 more and will take a week (which could easily be a month in Bangalore terms)

Me: When were you going to tell me this?! If I hadn't asked would you have told me?

Saleman: No (with a grin I could deck him for)

* In a car stuck in traffic on Old Airport Road, the driver has switched off the car and is leisurely cutting his nails out of the window.

* Carpenter who has arrived unexpectedly: Madam I have come to do your work.

My aunt: You were supposed to come 3 days back. What happened and why didn't you call?

Carpenter: My phone didn't work, Madam. I've come now (with a flourish) 

My aunt: But now is not convenient to me. I have to go out.

Carpenter: But Madam can you still pay me?

While I sometimes want to kill the Bangalorean who can't be bothered to do his job properly or hurry up, I sometimes also want to be like him. Somewhere, he has disconnected (or never connected) with the things that drive the rest of us crazy and prevent us from enjoying the other parts of our lives. While I carry home my frustration at the traffic, he seems not bothered by it even while actually experiencing it. Like the gurus of the old days, he seems to inhabit a different world which allows him to savour his life and not allow any interruption while he does so.

I might feel great if I were separated from the stresses of being on time or rushing my work but I shudder to think how it might impact my career. The discipline and efficiency drilled into me serve a purpose, after all. Would I be any good at my job if I didn't obsess and sweat over it? And would I be employable outside Bangalore if I decided to move?

I have discovered that it's not easy to answer these questions. A part of me, admittedly the larger part, is trying to light a fire under the Bangaloreans I encounter. Trying to get them to care about the things I care about like time and efficiency. This same part of me goes into overdrive when I visit Bombay, frantically doing chores I can't begin to figure out in Bangalore. Yet, there is a small part of me that wonders what it would be like to be free of the boundaries I have drawn for myself. To slow down, to taste an unfamiliar joy that remains impervious and invulnerable to external pressures.

OBJECTIVE LIMIT

It’s been difficult for me to write for this blog for a while. Perhaps, it’s because I couldn’t follow up on the heaviness of the previous post with my usual frivolous content. I started writing the blog because I felt I had this ability to see both sides of a situation and when you can do that, the absurdity makes it appear a little inconsequential. It lightens the weight of heavy emotions and makes objectivity a little more possible.

However, with my previous post, it seems I’ve found the one issue that I can’t be objective about!

So, as my attempt to move on, I thought I’d look at objectivity itself. To borrow a concept from art, it’s simply a matter of perspective. I feel what I feel because of where I stand and how the world looks to me from this perspective. If I were to move to another point, my view of the world would shift and my feelings would also alter to accommodate this new perspective. 

Source: Web Museum of Fine Art, "Perspective Box 1660-1680" - Elinga, Pieter Janssens

It sounds easy and usually the effort always feels worthwhile in the end. An emotion-heavy insoluble issue can become an objective problem that feels resolvable.

But there are some paths I’m afraid to travel. Finding my way there is so much more terrifying than getting lost on the way. And what journey can be accomplished if I’m always trying to look backward, not willing to move forward? 

Once I thought I could be objective about anything and now I’ve found the limit of how far I can stretch it.